I'm finally leaving to Germany this Saturday for a whole month. I'm excited and super anxious about the trip. Anxious about the plane ride, anxious about being judged by my cousin's new family, excited about this being my first overseas trip, etc. So many things just running through my head.

I'm beginning to regret accepting to be my cousin's bridesmaid. Not only do I look like a freakin' blimp in the dress, but I have to stand in front of all of these strangers. So disappointed that I didn't get to lose the weight I wanted to lose. Too late to back out now. Oh well.

I'm leaving to Europe with an open mind. I hope this trip will help me learn more about myself as cheesy as that sounds. Hope all goes well.

Before I went to my brother's graduation today, I honestly thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. I was so nervous.

Luckily, I didn't have one. Saw a few people here and there from my high school days but no biggie. Went about my own business.

I did feel really depressed there though. Almost to the point of tears. Even though there were 5,000-6,000 people there, I felt so lonely and so isolated from everyone else. I even felt isolated from my family. I felt alien.

I was happy for my brother of course, but I couldn't help but feel sad/sorry for myself the whole time I was there. After my brother received his diploma, he stayed a long time taking pictures with his friends. He is so well loved by his peers. When I graduated high school, I received my diploma and went straight home. I guess you can say, I wasn't popular or well liked for that matter.

All in all, even though the depression gave me a good ol' kick in the stomach while I was there....I'm glad I went. Seeing my brother get his diploma was worth it.

My other brother is graduating high school next year. I just hope I'll be in a happier, confident state of mind by then.

I don't know if it's kitten season or if my city is just overpopulated by kittens...but for two weeks straight, I have been seeing a lot of dead kittens on the road. Out of all of my years living here, I have never seen so many. So sad. Just the other day, my brother almost ran over a whole family of kittens standing in the middle of the street with their mother. Luckily he spotted them in time and went around them.

I'm really worried about leaving my 3 dogs and my parakeet in the care of my brothers and my dad while I'll be in Germany for a month. They are so clumsy/lazy with animals, especially my dad. When I stayed in Mexico for 2 months, he couldn't even take care of my cockatoo because he got tired of feeding him everyday. He just let the bird go. Since it couldn't fly because his wings were clipped, a cat got him. So, when I came back I found my bird's feathers scattered all over the backyard. :-( There have been a few close calls where my dad and brothers almost let my dogs loose in the street, but luckily I was there to grab them. I live next to a very busy street, so if my dogs run out, it's almost certain that they'll be killed or cause a big accident. I'm going to set them straight before I leave.

I had a poodle that was killed 6 years ago by a car. That was the worst day ever. I cried and mourned my dog's death even more then when my grandmother died (didn't have a good relationship w/her, it's a long story). My whole family was devastated when that happened. Even my dad cried which is very rare. I know a lot of people think it's ridiculous to act that way towards an animal but pets are a part of the family as well. So her death really affected us.

Ugh. I am SO dreading this.....

My younger brother is graduating high school on June 18th. I want to go but at the same time, I don't want to go. Well.....

I want to go to support my brother obviously. I missed my other brother's high school graduation in 2004 and I felt so guilty for not supporting him.

I don't want to go because I'll most likely run into my old classmates and teachers. When I graduated from that hellhole in 2002, I told myself I wanted nothing more to do with those people and that school. I just don't want to go back to that school, brings up a lot of bad memories.

I'm torn.

Why didn't my brother go to a different high school?

"Why do I fall in love with every girl that shows me the slightest bit of attention?" - quote from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

That is me. Except replace girl with guy.

My example of this:

Here's mah pathetic story. Before I started taking online classes, the last time I actually stepped into a college campus was in 2007. During that time I met this guy in my math class. Didn't think much of him at first. In fact, if he didn't sit next to me and start talking to me, I probably wouldn't of have noticed him at all.

Well, the teacher puts him, 2 other girls, and I into a group for the semester. He talks to me, blah, blah, gives me and the other 2 girls in my group his phone number with XOXO on the paper. He was just so nice and warm towards me during the time I was in that class. Then again, he acted this way towards the other girls in my group as well. I have always been ignored all of my life so just because he noticed that I existed....I began crushing hard for this guy.  Lame, I know. In the end, I ended up dropping that class because I hated the teacher.

That didn't stop me from e-stalking him for a couple months though. I looked up his name on myspace and waahlaah...he had one. I also googled him and found some other profiles. Then I stopped stalking him.

2 years later, I find his number in my wallet and become curious about him again. I look him up online and now he has a girlfriend and his profile has a new pic of him and his new gf. When I saw this, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I don't know why I reacted this way...I mean 2 years have gone by, you'd think I'd be over him. If he was single, it's not like I would do something about it anyways.

I hate being this way.